Struggle for Hope
by Psychic101
Summary: Shawn and Juliet struggle to care for their two children who each have a special problem which demands their full attention. The married couple are buried alive with day to day problems surrounding the children and are desperate for any way to ease the burden of their family and marriage. Cancelled.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone! I know its been a little while since I've published anything and I'm honestly blocked. However, this little thing popped into my head.

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The man rolled over in his sleep and was faintly surprised to find an open and empty space. He opened his eyes and sat up to look around the room. He had fallen asleep with his wife but she was no longer there. He stepped out of bed and walked out of the room. Looking left and right down the hall he saw a small trail of light. He gently opened the door and sighed in blank relief.

"Jules what are you doing up?" His wife made a shushing motion at him before turning back to the crib she was standing over.

"Don't wake him up Shawn." She whispered. Shawn slowly walked over and stood next to his wife. He gazed down and took a deep breath at the picture. His and Juliet's second child, a baby boy, was asleep. His tiny fists were curled next to his head and his breathing was somewhat labored. His complexion was pale yet reddish in color. Down his chest was a scar from the heart surgery he had, much like his father. Near the bottom of the scar was a stoma with a colostomy bag.

"I wanted to make sure he was okay," Juliet glanced at her husband. Shawn nodded and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. It was the middle of the night and she shivered despite the warm temperature. They had been wary to conceive again after the issues with their first born, Adam.

The pregnancy with Adam had been fine, everything normal and healthy. There was no problem with the birth except a high blood pressure which had been fixed immediately. Everyone was thrilled with the birth of the Spencer baby; he was loved and cared for at just hours old. Shawn and Juliet had taken him home and things were perfect. They were the perfect new family. However as months passed Shawn and Juliet noticed something was wrong.

Juliet had helped raised her nephews and nieces and was very aware to child milestones. She had noticed Adam wasn't doing things other children his age were doing. She brought this to her husband's attention who had reminded her that children progressed at different ages; he himself had developed slowly. He was right and the subject was given no more thought until a week after Adam's first birthday. This time Shawn had been the one who brought it up.

"_Hey Jules…" Shawn said watching his son closely. _

"_What?" Juliet responded from the kitchen. _

"_I think something's wrong with Adam." Juliet came over and stood next to him._

"_What? He seems fine." Juliet told him placing a dishtowel over her shoulder. _

"_He's not fine just…normal." Shawn sighed and ran his hand through his hair._

"_Shawn?" Juliet turned to him._

"_He hasn't smiled. He doesn't babble or make noises. Hell, he doesn't even make eye contact Jules. Most babies are giggling and are easily distracted. Adam doesn't notice if you throw a ball in front of him." Shawn pointed out. Juliet frowned realizing her husband was right. _

"_I'll make an appointment for him." _

Adam had been checked. His hearing and sight was fine. The couple had returned home and worried for weeks before they decided there was nothing they could do. A year later and Adam's doctor called them with a possible explanation; autism. A few months later and Adam was officially diagnosed. They knew he would need a lot of care and attention, because of this they decided it wasn't a good idea to have another child.

Finding out Juliet was pregnant sent a shock to the couple and family. Seven months later and a premature Shawn Henry Spencer JR or SJ was born. The moment SJ was born it was discovered he had a large hole in his heart and he was put into surgery. Soon after the surgery he had been diagnosed with Neonatal necrotising enterocolitis. Parts of his bowel had started to die and another surgery took place giving him his stoma.

Tonight was the first night SJ was spending at home, three months after his birth.

"Jules, baby, he's okay. He's fast asleep and nothing's wrong. You should be resting." Shawn said softly. Juliet shook her head and gently ran a finger over SJ's chest.

"I need to be with him. Just in case something happens to him, I need to be here." She stressed looking at her husband. Shawn kissed her check and nuzzled her shoulder with his chin.

"You're no good to him exhausted." He paused, "Would you feel better if we brought him in our room?"

"Yes." Juliet answered.

"Alright, be careful not to wake Adam." Juliet nodded and carefully picked SJ up. "Shh its okay baby." Juliet rubbed his back as he cried quietly. She took him into the master bedroom as Shawn pushed the mobile crib behind her. The crib was placed near Juliet's side of the bed. With a final kiss Juliet placed SJ back into the crib and stood there unmoving. Shawn sat down onto the bed heavily and rubbed his face with his hands. For the past year things had weighed profoundly on Shawn's shoulders. He had picked up the slack around the house and with Adam throughout the pregnancy and the last three months. He was drained emotionally and physically.

Running around trying to take care of an autistic child was physically tiring; he was emotionally stunted because of the combined health of both children and his wife. He didn't notice as Juliet got into the bed and kneeled behind him before wrapping her arms around his waist. She dug her face into the back of his head and kissed the top. "I love you." She whispered tightening her hug.

"I love you too." Shawn droned out making no move to return Juliet's warm embrace.

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I always thought it would be interesting to see Shawn and Juliet with their own children, but even MORE interesting if said children had some problem. Adam as of now just has autism; the exact version will be decided later. SJ's problem may need more explanation. A stoma is a surgically created opening on the abdomen which allows stool or urine to exit the body (definition from a medical dictionary). A colostomy is a opening from the large intestine. A colostomy bag is a medical bag attached to collect urine and feces. This being said, he is pooping and peeing through a hole in his abdomen.

If you are still confused and wish to know more; let me know and I can send you a link with more information. Thanks for reading guys!


	2. Chapter 2

I've decided that his story won't be a collection of a few large chapters; but a collection of many small chapters. None are one-shots, all are connected to a single story.

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A large thump from the room over caused Shawn to jump. The sheets were knotted around his waist as it had been too hot the night before. He faintly heard Juliet talking to Adam; most likely trying to get him to do something menial. "No Adam!" Juliet yelled. Shawn sighed and got up from the bed.

"What's going on?" Shawn asked walking into the kitchen. Juliet was standing over Adam who had a large frown across his face.

"He won't eat," Juliet sighed rubbing at her temples. Shawn leaned against the doorway but didn't take his eyes of his son.

"Adam," He spoke slowly. Adam paid no mind to his father and began to bang a fist on the table.

"Adam please." Juliet begged getting on eye level with him, Adam looked away immediately. "You need to eat sweetie."

"No eat, no eat." Adam protested banging his fist again.

"Shawn…" Juliet looked at him dejectedly.

"I got him." Shawn walked over and sat down next to Adam. One glance at the plate on the table made Shawn know what was wrong. Using a spoon he scooted a piece of banana out from under a few eggs and to the edge of the plate. "Look." Shawn gently took Adam's shoulder and forced him to look at the plate. Without another word Adam picked up the banana and ate it quietly.

"I forgot," Juliet said.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" From the bags under her eyes he knew the answer was no. Juliet shook her head which earned a sigh from Shawn. "You can't run empty. Go to bed," He said with a forcing tone. Shawn stood up and grabbed the bottle of milk from her hand. Juliet didn't argue with him and left the kitchen.

"Good boy." Shawn praised as Adam continued to eat his food.

"Gold star?" Adam was referring to the system they had set up. Whenever Adam was good and did as he was told, he earned a single star which was placed on a chart. Once twenty stars had been collected Adam was allowed an extra fifteen minutes of cartoons. "Half." Shawn handed him half of a star. Adam got down from his chair and placed the star on the chart.

"Let's go get dressed buddy." Before walking out of the room Shawn grabbed the bottle of milk he'd placed in the microwave and the sleeping baby from his bassinet. While Adam slowly got dressed Shawn was able to feed SJ his bottle of milk. Once the bottle was gone Shawn would burp him just as Adam started to brush his teeth.

SJ let out a noise of protest as Shawn lifted his hand from SJ's back, "Are you cold?" Shawn asked him expecting no answer.

"Done," Adam walked back into his room and stared at the ground.

"There's the bus." Shawn walked Adam to the door and handed him his bag. "Have a good day." Adam didn't reply or look back as he walked away. Once the bus started to move Shawn closed the door.

"I'll be right back." Shawn placed SJ gently back into the bassinet. He walked quietly into his bedroom and glanced at Juliet to see if she was asleep. The room was dark and quiet, a little warm since Juliet had shut the window the night before.

"Did Adam go off okay?" She whispered surprising him.

"Yeah. SJ's been fed, everyone's taken care of but you." Juliet rolled onto her side to meet his gaze. Much like her own appearance wasn't the best his was worse. Shawn had his own collection of bags under the eyes and a bundle of hair was growing on his cheeks as he hadn't had the time to shave. Juliet normally would have made him shave it off by now but it was of little importance compared to everything else going on.

"Grab SJ and lay down with me." Shawn turned around; appearing with SJ a few moments later. SJ was placed next to Juliet and Shawn crawled in behind him. The pillow under Shawn's head was comforting; soon his eyes began to feel heavy. "I need to change his bag…" Shawn whispered trying to fight off sleep.

"Change it in a little while." Juliet whispered back kissing the top of SJ's head then Shawn's. She grabbed Shawn's hand and was a little disappointed when he didn't give her a reassuring squeeze like he usually did. Soon the comforting breathing of her son and husband spread around the room signaling their demise into sleep.

Juliet tried to sleep but was unable to stop looking at her husband's cold face long enough. She'd never seen such an expression on his face until late. His face usually danced with the mood of whatever dream he was experiencing; mostly smiles. Nevertheless now his face only held a frown. A steady cold look that mirrored his eyes when he was awake. He was slipping away; she could feel how distant he'd been. Shawn would never leave her or the kids- she held no doubt. He wasn't that type of man.

However he was the type of man to bottle everything inside with a calm exterior until it all came crashing down; until a monster was released and claimed his body. She'd never see one of his meltdowns, but she'd been told by his father that they were exceptional. Shawn would become violent and vent his frustration on the hardest object near him be it a car or wall, he would keep hitting or kicking it pending the poison left his body and he was left a crumbled, bleeding, weak man. He was more of a danger to himself then to others, and this frightened her.

If she was suddenly left alone with her two boys she wouldn't be able to handle it. She could barely take care of herself; without Shawn's constant reminders she'd be a literal physical, mental and emotional mess. Shawn was her rock; she needed him to be there. She and her sons needed his strong weight carrying shoulders to make it through the day. This she felt guilty of.

Shawn was taking all the responsibly since the beginning of the pregnancy when Adam had stopped listening to her because she was no longer her. As the pregnancy carried along and she got bigger the more Adam didn't acknowledge her. Shawn was left to care for her, the baby and Adam. It wasn't fair for him to be chained from a life of freedom. He was everything to her. It was at the current moment that her eyes widened at the pictorial evidence; she was losing her husband. Her marriage was starting to fail.

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I apologize if any of you readers know someone with Autism and I portrayed it wrong in this story. I've gathered what I can from online articles and documentaries on Autism. However I don't know anyone in real life and it was hard for me to write how Adam should be acting. I welcome any advice!


	3. Chapter 3

Another somewhat short chapter for you all this fine day.

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Eying the clock Juliet watched as the minutes changed and listened for the sound of an engine. The school bus should be back at any moment bringing Adam home. Shawn and the baby were both fast asleep as she wanted it to be. Shawn deserved his rest; maybe the more sleep he got would make him better. Her heart was still racing from her earlier realization. Another reason why she wanted Shawn asleep; she wouldn't be able to look him in the face without an absolute breakdown. He would then feel guilty and their marriage would only become more stressed. No. She had to harden up to save her marriage.

Lost in thought she didn't notice the bus pull up and deliver Adam home. Her mind was broken from concentration as the door slammed. "Sweetie be quiet. Daddy is sleeping with the baby." She looked over at Adam. He threw his bag down, kicked off his shoes and sat on the floor in front of the TV. He was expectant of his daily TV time. Juliet used the remote to flip to the channel she knew he wanted. She stood up and picked his belongings; Shawn normally was here to greet him and make sure Adam placed his things in the proper place. However it was Juliet's turn. And Adam knew his mother wasn't an enforcer like his father, therefore he didn't care.

"How was school?" She asked.

"No talking." Adam replied staring at the screen. Juliet sighed as a wail sounded from down the hall. She rushed into the room to find SJ screaming. He was gently tucked under Shawn's arm who just began to stir.

Shawn moaned softly, "What?"

"Go back to sleep." Juliet told him picking up SJ and holding him close. She exited the room and entered the nursery.

She placed SJ in his crib and left him momentarily to wash her hands thoroughly with warm water and antibacterial soap. Returning into the room she removed the large shirt from the little body before tossing the shirt into a hamper. She then slowly peeled off the half-full colostomy bag and disposed of it into the trashcan near her. Juliet walked to the bathroom with a dry wipe and soaked it with warm water. Taking the wipe she gently wiped the stoma then threw it away; returning with a dry wipe to pat the skin dry. That wipe was too thrown away as she went to the bathroom to wash her hands. Finally she was able to reattach a new bag.

"There you go buddy, all clean." She smiled down at SJ who raised his fist at her voice. She took this moment to change the diaper around his lower half. Although it was rarely soiled they kept him in one just in case and to create a sense of normalcy. "Adam, turn that down." She commanded placing SJ into his bassinet.

"Adam!" She hissed in a whisper when he didn't listen. "That's it." She stood up, grabbed the remote and turned the TV off.

"No!" Adam yelled beginning to kick his legs.

"Adam Ewan Spencer you stop it this instant!" She put her hands on her hips and watched her son with a glare. Within seconds he was on his stomach pounding and kicking the floor with a repeated, "No no no!" She scooped him up in her arms and carried his screaming moving body into his room where she shut the door with him inside. Juliet slide down the outside of the door and put her head in-between her knees. Adam's screaming and pounding caused the baby to join the commotion with an uproar of cries.

"What the hell is going on?" Shawn looked at her than the door which was being rattled by the boy inside.

"He doesn't listen," Juliet got out before a sob escaped her. "I told him to turn down the TV so he wouldn't wake you up but he didn't!" Juliet said between sobs.

"Jules…" Shawn bent down and wrapped her in a hug. She leaned against his chest and let him comfort her with reassuring circles rubbed on her back. Sitting on his butt Shawn pulled Juliet into his lap. "I was awake anyways. You could've gotten me." He whispered into her hair.

She sniffled, "I wanted to handle it. I'm his mother. I should be able to handle it…"

"Honey, with Adam's condition it doesn't work like it's supposed to. You know that. He doesn't listen to anyone. Handling him is hard." Shawn spoke up.

"We're his parents Shawn. It should be easy for us."

"Technically yes, but as soon as he was diagnosed that flew out the window. Jules, we need to get him a tutor. Someone who knows how to take care of an autistic child. Talking with someone will be better than reading it from a book." Juliet nodded her agreement.

She sniffled again, "We'll definitely look into it." She scrunched his shirt in her hand. "Shawn?"

"Hmm?" He hummed.

"Do you regret having kids?" Juliet asked slowly. Shawn was slow in his response which worried Juliet.

"Let's not talk about that, okay? It's time for dinner anyways." He carefully stood up and left her sitting in the hallway.

Her husband regretted having kids. That was now obviously clear. If he was regretting the kids he could easily be regretting his choice to marry her. They'd talked about marriage before but had both decided they weren't ready to settle down. Than Juliet got pregnant and they reevaluated the idea. It was better to be married and have the child; so they got married. Her first pregnancy was the reason they'd gotten married. Wishing Adam wouldn't have been born meant wishing the marriage hadn't happened.

They still would have ended up getting married eventually, that had been the plan. Or would something have come along and tore them apart before the union? There was no way to know so Juliet was left watching her regretful husband pick up their second son with a blank look on his face. She wished he would smile and tell her everything was going to be okay. She wished he would lay her fears to rest but he did nothing except let them grow.

"Do you regret marrying me?" She voiced joining him in the kitchen. The question threw him off as he almost dropped the child in his hands.

"Don't do that! I almost dropped him." Shawn yelled at her cuddling the baby into his chest.

"Do you regret marrying me?" She repeated louder.

"What the hell are you talking about?!" SJ began to cry out loudly as the booming voice of his father scared him.

"You walk around here with a hateful look on your face Shawn. Admit it! You regret being married to me and you hate our kids!" She screamed. The look Shawn gave her stopped her cold. She was unable to move as his face hardened and his eyes narrowed.

"I have never regretted our marriage nor our children. I will not let you stand there and accuse me of hating my own sons. I love them Juliet as I love you. Do you really think I hate them? Is that it Juliet?" His voice was steady.

"Do you believe that I walk around cursing the day Adam or SJ was born? Because I don't. I love them with all my heart and I'd leave you before them. I will let you accuse me of regretting our marriage- which I don't- but I will not tolerate you accusing me of regretting our children." Shawn placed SJ down and slowly stepped towards her.

"Do you understand?" he was leering over her with his fists clenched by his sides. For a brief moment Juliet was scared Shawn would break down into a violent outburst; but that moment was shattered as Shawn grabbed her hips and roughly pushed her against the wall. His body was holding her to the wall as his mouth kissed her. The kiss was rough and full of force. Juliet allowed his demanding tongue into her mouth and gripped his shoulders for dear life. His hands were rough on her hips and Juliet was sure he would leave a bruise.

No matter; she let him take his frustration out on her mouth. He picked her up and carried her into their bedroom before slamming the door behind them.

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For the record; I do NOT promote this kind of behavior. Shawn was rough with Juliet as the tension building up in their lives boiled over. It's a little glimpse at his "violent" nature talked about in the previous chapter.

Enjoy your life people!


	4. Chapter 4

When Shawn awoke the room was dark. He carefully lifted his head and glanced down at his naked wife. Her back was facing the ceiling as she slept soundlessly. Shawn moved his arm off her back and sat up into a more comfortable sitting position in the bed. Burying his head in his hands he cursed softly. He'd been rough with her and he felt guilty for it.

"Shit." Looking at the clock which read midnight; he realized his infant son had been left in the cold kitchen. Swiftly and quietly he pulled on a pair of boxers and paddled back to the kitchen. Thankfully the baby was warm and fast asleep. Shawn picked him up and returned him to his crib. Leaving the door open; he next checked on Adam.

Adam was asleep in his bed; dressed in his school clothes but Shawn let it slide this one time. There was no point in waking him just to have him change. Returning to his room Shawn picked up the clothes that were scattered everywhere and placed them in the dirty basket.

"Shawn?" Juliet whispered.

"Hey Jules." Shawn sat near her legs and placed a warm hand on her lower back, he could feel goosebumps appear. "Are you okay?" she turned her head to see him.

"I'm fine," She nodded drowsily.

Shawn shook his head, "Are you sore? Should I get you an ice pack and-!"

"Shawn!" she grabbed his hand to stop him from leaving. "I'm fine sweetie. You weren't too rough." She watched as his shoulders visibly relaxed. Juliet pulled him down so he lay behind her and wrapped his arm around her warm body. "Are the boys okay? She asked knowing he'd checked on them.

"Yeah." His breath was hot on her neck. Juliet shivered slightly so Shawn hugged her tighter.

"I love you Juliet. Please never forget that. I love you more than anything," Shawn nuzzled her neck, "I'm sorry that I did that. I shouldn't have done it. But with everything going on… I lost control." He took a sharp breath.

"Shawn…" Juliet turned and hugged him when she saw tears in his eyes. "The situation is stressful but it's going to be okay. We just have to stick together." Shawn buried his face in her shoulder as his body shook with trembles. "Shh baby it's okay. It's all going to be okay." Juliet rubbed his back. In a few minutes Shawn calmed down and was able to pull himself away from her.

"There ya go…" Juliet stroked his cheek, "All better?" She smiled.

"Kinda." Shawn nodded managing a small smile, "I'm not really tired though." He rubbed at his eyes.

"Me neither… movie?" She suggested. After getting dressed the two settled down into bed with a bag of popcorn and 'Dirty Dancing' playing on screen. Half way through the movie Adam crawled into the bed and snuggled under his mother's arm. Pretending to watch the movie Shawn was actually watching how Juliet stroked Adam's hair as the boy dozed off. Every once in a while he was a regular kid and wanted nothing but attention. Since the baby had been born Adam went to Shawn for any physical contact; rarely did he turn to his mother, tonight was an exception.

"Turn it down," Juliet whispered continuing to stroke Adam's hair softly. Shawn did as told and turned down the TV.

"I'll get it," Shawn said getting up as a wail sounded through the monitor. He walked out of the room as Juliet watched him disappear down the hall. A few seconds later Shawn returned with SJ cuddled into his arms. "He's okay?"

"Yeah," Shawn sat down onto the bed gently. "Just cold I'm assuming. He threw the blanket off himself." Shawn placed SJ on his bare chest knowing the body heat would help warm him up. SJ let out a small sigh of content and bunched his fist continuing to sleep.

"Look at our boys Shawn…" Juliet whispered. Shawn looked from Adam to SJ and smiled. "They're amazing." He replied.

Juliet nodded in agreement, "I know you love them." She moved her hand and ran a finger down SJ's back. "It's clear." She drew her eyes to meet Shawn's.

"I love you too." He whispered. Juliet answered with a sweet kiss.

Pulling away slightly she nuzzled her nose against his, "I love you more." A final kiss as Adam began to stir.

"Mommy?" Adam whispered still half asleep.

"I'm here baby," Juliet beamed down at him. With her voice heard Adam turned on his side so his face was pressed into her chest. Juliet ran her fingers through his hair soothingly.

"He loves you too…" Shawn told her with a weak of smile of his own. Looking back down at her son she glanced back at her husband.

"He looks like you. Brown hair and hazel eyes. He's his father's son." She chuckled lightly. "SJ seems to have blonde hair with blue eyes. Maybe we named the wrong son Shawn Junior."

Shawn joined her chuckle, "I still think we should have named him Christopher. He looks like a Christopher."

"I hate that name." Juliet groaned softly causing Shawn to let out a genuine laugh.

"And he looks like a Shawn?"

"He's handsome like the Shawn I named him after."

"I would so take you right now if the boys hadn't been here." Shawn looked down at his youngest son.

"I have to admit Shawn… earlier was nice." She nodded, " It was a little scary at first but it turned out to be good." Shawn furrowed his eyebrows.

"I scared you?"

Juliet refused to meet his look as she drew circles on Adam's back. "Jules?"

"Right before we… you know- you had this look. I've never seen it before. You were so mad…" She paused, "I thought you were going to lose it."

"I'm not proud of that Jules. That happens from time to time- but I didn't mean to scare you. Or this little guy…" Shawn trailed off remembering the yell of fright his son had produced when the argument began. He felt extremely bad for yelling at his wife the way he did, it was unacceptable. However he felt most guilty about scaring his son. Barely home and things hadn't gone well. A new strange environment added stress to the tiny child- his father screaming made it worse.

"He'll be fine," Juliet gave a small smile. "He's already forgotten it." She waved her hand in dismissal. She was taken by surprise when Shawn kissed her lips chastely. "What was that for?" She moaned softly.

"For being an amazing mother and wife. I'd be lost without you." He kissed her again. She kissed him back and brought a hand to cup his cheek. When they pulled apart Shawn yawned loudly.

"Ready to try and sleep a little?" Juliet whispered as Shawn settled into the mattress.

"Mhm…" Shawn responded beginning to doze off.

"Sleep well sweetheart." She kissed the top of each boys head before turning off the TV. After getting comfortable she turned towards Shawn and fell asleep.

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Hope you guys liked this update! Thanks for reading everyone.


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